Carolyn Bradley, Marketing Director

Tesco Stores Ltd

Delamare Road

Cheshunt EN8 9SL

Dear Carolyn

Firstly, congratulations on your appointment as UK Marketing Director but while you may be enjoying a brief period of rejoicing, I’m afraid it’s now time for you to stand to the bar.

In a rash moment of panic for dinner ideas my wife, before her brick-laying evening class on Tuesday, brought home one of your Light Choices Chicken Tikka Massala.

Guess what?  It failed the taste test by a living mile. Apart from the overwhelming aroma of cardamom, it tasted more of mashed potato sandwich… nothing much then. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting rickshaws and belly dancers jumping from the box or even Indian restaurant muzak but I love Indian food cooked well and some resemblance to Chicken Tikka Massala would have been nice.

Let’s look at the facts. Wiki (and they know) says there are over 34 different recipes for a Massala, yours resembles none of them.

By the way, call me Mr Picky but if you should call a product ‘Chicken’, you may like to add some of this ingredient. Actually there was enough chicken to fill just one tooth cavity of an average sized pigmy.  There was also sufficient rice to feed only a very small vole, a point I think you should make on the packaging. However, if you do use ‘vole’ as a description, I’d like a mention for that.

Given that I believe that you should be changing the product generic name to ‘The Tesco tastes-of-bugger-all range’, you will have gathered that I’m not a happy bunny (which gives me an idea for a new recipe).

May I ask, who exactly is your blender? As Massala is England’s fave dish, (Scotland it seems still favours deep fried Mars Bars) can anyone make proper recipe decisions these days at Tesco? It seems that some 15 year old work experience bimbo doing Media Studies is now selected as your head chef. Please start with a native Indian who knows these things.

In the spirit of trying to be constructive, I will be delighted to come and meet your blenders for a day of recipe testing in the Massala range. (Along with bouts of Tesco’s ‘Best Of’ wine-testing.) To add a little flavour to the day, can you please also invite Elisha Dixon?  Every little helps, eh?

Yours sincerely

P A Sampson

Mr Paul Polman, CEO, Marmite
Uniliver UK Ltd
Springfield Drive
Leatherhead
KT22 7GR
25 June 2011

Dear Mr Polman
The Danes aren’t the only ones who are revolting. Can you please explain why the price of marmite has gone up to £4.98 at Asda today?

I’ve been weaned on Marmite, so have my children – but there’s going to be riots (or at least a singular and very targeted protest outside Asda or your HQ) very soon unless you stop these increases to your retailers. ‘Onward Marmite Soldiers’, as the song goes….

Anything over a fiver for a pot and (sorry), the dog, cat and maybe even the wife will have to go. Please explain this pricing dilemma. Such is the level of our dependency that it’s a matter of brewer’s yeast or brewer’s droop in this house, frankly.

You clearly don’t want people to contact you or understand what’s going on at Marmite…have you seen your website? One little visual. www.marmite.com So your marketing team come up with a one-page website and one strap line every three years. Do they convince you that they’re busy with DM, SM, etc. and still cannot build a decent website explaining your pricing policy? (I think you’re paying them too much.)

I notice in ES – 9 May 2011, You either love it or hate it, but at Battersea, Marmite is causing quite a stir amongst the dogs. Jars of the yeast extract, which has polarised the nation into lovers and haters, are polished off in no time by Battersea’s canine residents who have developed quite a taste for the spread. Today 100 of the famous yellow topped brown glass jars will set tails wagging in the kennels when they are delivered to London’s popular dog’s home.

Please explain why you’re going to the dogs as it’s causing quite a stir in Basingstoke, too. My tail is far from wagging.

Unless you take home a car boot full of marmite freebies every now and then, I bet your wife is livid, too. (I hope she won’t get recognised when out shopping or you’ll be hearing from her, I’m sure.)

At best, you’re at risk of serious customer defection to any another up-and-coming savoury that may be lurking in the bottom of a vat or tank somewhere.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Sampson