Rugby World Cup – The Haka- English version

Posted on 17, Oct | Posted by Paul

Well, we might have been stuffed at the rugby but I do think it’s time to consider a few old tribal tactics (even if contrived) to put the wind up Johnny Foreigner at future international rugby curtain raisers.

The Welsh were robbed but they do have a cracking National Anthem. The English team effort was so painful they desperately need to consider something pretty gripping to shake up the opposition – Haka style – and to upstage such a luke warm English National Anthem – which, let’s face it, really wouldn’t put the wind up a flag.

So I thought a display of Traditional Cornish pasty making would crack it. You know, really getting aggressive with the hand gestures around the pastry edge curling. Then throwing flour into the air with wild abandon, crouching with a rolling pin and a chant something like:

Oooo ‘ere watcha, Oooo ‘ere watcha,
‘ere my ‘andsome, ‘ere my ‘andsome,
Loads o’ swede and loads of onion,
bit-of-skirt-beef and short crus’ pastry
You won’t play with this inside ya’….


Etc

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The Apprentice – 2

Posted on 2, Sep | Posted by Paul

So where do we find good apprentices for our businesses?

A video company I work with very much plays their part in apprenticeships and work experience. They cover dance schools, private and state schools’ dramas, dance, shows, and then corporate work, too. Even having previously set expectations with the school, they have found that the kids expect to turn up on day one on work experience, be handed a £10k HD camera and send a mission in darkest Surrey with the message ‘Go on my son, fill yer boots!’

The most recent young man on a two week work experience to find out about the big wide world turned up on day one and his answer to the first question, ‘Hello, how are you?’ was  ‘Tired’.

Are teachers out of touch, so over worked and having to be so political and watchful over success statistics? Are they so engrossed in keeping kids occupied and interested in anything at all so they stay the school day that they cannot coach them the basics of work experience? Should parents be interested in coaching their kids on how to get the best from a work experience and creating a good impresssion? Can parents coach their kids anymore?

I’m erring on the side of caution…if they cannot manage work experience, show some interest, consider that if they’re good, they may get employed, why should I risk my business to complete indifference? Is it for me to teach these kids values? (That’s not rhetorical, it’s a serious question!)

See next blog . ‘The Apprentice 3′ for a true story …..

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Tesco’s Chicken Tikka Masala – beware!

Posted on 28, Aug | Posted by Paul

Carolyn Bradley, Marketing Director

Tesco Stores Ltd

Delamare Road

Cheshunt EN8 9SL

Dear Carolyn

Firstly, congratulations on your appointment as UK Marketing Director but while you may be enjoying a brief period of rejoicing, I’m afraid it’s now time for you to stand to the bar.

In a rash moment of panic for dinner ideas my wife, before her brick-laying evening class on Tuesday, brought home one of your Light Choices Chicken Tikka Massala.

Guess what?  It failed the taste test by a living mile. Apart from the overwhelming aroma of cardamom, it tasted more of mashed potato sandwich… nothing much then. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting rickshaws and belly dancers jumping from the box or even Indian restaurant muzak but I love Indian food cooked well and some resemblance to Chicken Tikka Massala would have been nice.

Let’s look at the facts. Wiki (and they know) says there are over 34 different recipes for a Massala, yours resembles none of them.

By the way, call me Mr Picky but if you should call a product ‘Chicken’, you may like to add some of this ingredient. Actually there was enough chicken to fill just one tooth cavity of an average sized pigmy.  There was also sufficient rice to feed only a very small vole, a point I think you should make on the packaging. However, if you do use ‘vole’ as a description, I’d like a mention for that.

Given that I believe that you should be changing the product generic name to ‘The Tesco tastes-of-bugger-all range’, you will have gathered that I’m not a happy bunny (which gives me an idea for a new recipe).

May I ask, who exactly is your blender? As Massala is England’s fave dish, (Scotland it seems still favours deep fried Mars Bars) can anyone make proper recipe decisions these days at Tesco? It seems that some 15 year old work experience bimbo doing Media Studies is now selected as your head chef. Please start with a native Indian who knows these things.

In the spirit of trying to be constructive, I will be delighted to come and meet your blenders for a day of recipe testing in the Massala range. (Along with bouts of Tesco’s ‘Best Of’ wine-testing.) To add a little flavour to the day, can you please also invite Elisha Dixon?  Every little helps, eh?

Yours sincerely

P A Sampson

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Pricing – A Moroccan Market?

Posted on 23, Jul | Posted by Paul

In the last two years, I reckon that a lot of buyers have turned business into a Moroccan Market. Every price is challengeable in SME business, it seems.

This is championed by the plethora of ‘free stuff’ which has become overwhelming. With all the shortcuts, does that make everyone capable of being an expert at everything? Therefore, as we’re all experts at everything do we need all these other experts?

Let me offer a few examples. Lawyers claim they’re being undermined and always challenged on price. Who would have thought 10 years ago they could haggle on price with a lawyer? But everyone who needs a lawyer goes to the Internet first, right? (To check for legal framework, precedent, and procedure.) Sure, when they screw up, they’ll hastily go to a lawyer – maybe better informed  - but often too late and incur greater expense.

High St Jewellers maintain that 99% of people never challenge the price for a piece of jewellery or a watch. Knowing that, on the rare occasions that I go to jeweller, I always ask if there’s a deal. ‘Bit out of my budget, what can you do?’ It always works.

I know an IT guy who charges £30 an hour. How is that workable? Or where is the perceived value in that? He never charges for one three minute phone call asking for advice.‘Ah, don’t worry about it’, he says. (He saved me three hours of grief trying to sort out a problem.)

Unless there is a special case, eg, there is a definite sprat to catch a mackerel that’s visible now, providing you are competitive, never discount a service offering, in my opinion. If anything, explain more what may be involved around the price – travel time and cost, research, ‘thinking time’, etc. If you have to add a smidge of added value, that’s your call.

Jan Jack, from Perfect Verse, I’m sure she won’t mind me saying, was under-charging, in my opinion. Her customers occasionally grumbled about cost, but she could spend 4-5 hours on research and writing 6-10 unique, bespoke and always sublime verses – touching, witty, risqué, etc to suit. Framed and delivered. But the thinking time could have been days.(Even through the night.) *

When I started my business, I charged one customer £400 for 3 hours of deep dive marketing. Within a week, using the tactics I suggested, he had a new local managed service deal; onsite 24/7 callout account yielding £690 a month. I should’ve charged him 10% of gross over 12 months. Hey ho. Also, he kinda thought the new business was his right – and nothing to do with me, of course!

As a marketing consultant, I dive deep into a new client’s business to understand their product or service. After the ‘drains-up’, the marketing plan and the strategic plan, then comes the clever bit – the creative elements. But very few ever say, ‘wow, well done, that’s brilliant’. And it is! Even if the solution to their problem has been a blinding flash of the obvious. In the UK, even someone delivering great value and profitable marketing can be resented when the invoice needs to paid. In the USA, profitable solutions are sought and welcomed, then applauded and lauded.

TACK, the sales organisation, came out with a cracking report last year that said 71% of buyers are now looking at new suppliers for better deals and year on year savings.*2 Fair enough, perhaps that means that the ‘old pals act’ gives way to new suppliers being able to pitch. Mail me or them for a copy.*2

What value does a solution or a great business idea have? And what’s the best way to bill for it? Profit share? Open-book accounting? Or perhaps we will see the day where a client says, ‘thanks, you’ve really made a difference’.

* http://perfectverse.co.uk/
*2 – paul@ig4b.com

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HOW MUCH?? But it’s for CHARITY !!

Posted on 18, Jul | Posted by Paul

Anyone do work pro bono or reduced rate work for charity?

I write two pro bono blogs a month and support a few other excellent charities in different ways.

A prospect asked me to spec a blog, and re-write a website. (It does read like Wuthering Heights, it has to be said. Words like – ‘bosom’ and ‘ruffled’, but not together, before you ask.)

In this charity only 5% of costs go to admin the rest to the charity – the model is good.
Then the crunch … a reduced rate, but then the horrified  ‘HOW MUCH??’ But…but this is a charity.’
Answer, ‘Well sorry, sunbeam, but it’s not MY Charity’.

I have the same problem with a Championship League team that I ghost-write for…
‘But, Paul, it’s, it’s for the CLUB’. (Like, I should clench my fist, slap my chest and sing the theme tune of the Alamo)

Answer…’Yeh but I’m a Villa Fan’.

Why is it that, in the field of commercial conflict, so many expect so much for so little……? (was that Winston Churchill?)

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Panorama – Why hate junk mail? – the Empire fights back

Posted on 16, Jul | Posted by Paul

Tim Sheahan, Printweek.com 15 July 2011-07-19

Door-drop marketing company Link Direct has demanded a right to reply from the BBC following its recent Panorama programme, Why Hate Junk Mail?, as the direct mail backlash to the show continues.

The BBC One programme has come under fire from all corners of the direct mail and print industry with many commentators arguing that it “confused matters” between so-called junk mail and fraudulent scam mail.

Chris Roxburgh, a director of Birkenhead=based Link Direct has now written to the BBC director general Mark Thompson stating that the July 4 programme misrepresented the industry.

He said: “This programme was fundamentally flawed, clumsy, ill-informed and unbalanced.
Roxburgh went on to argue that Panorama made a “damaging misjudgement” by focusing on junk mail during an investigation of scam mail.

“Our sector has nothing whatsoever to do with the scam mail and it is outlandish and deeply damaging to us that we were connected with this criminal activity,” he said.

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After News of the World – how will it change the way we need to do business?

Posted on 13, Jul | Posted by Paul

Wednesday, 13th July.

Well, there will be one faction who will say, ‘It won’t affect my business at all’. Others may realise that the last two years have brought changes to our belief system that have changed us all significantly. We need to look beyond the issues in the media. See what you make of this argument…

The sub-editor of the Sunday Times, in Paxman’s Newsnight (BBC2) last evening, said that the British Press is the pride of the world. How ironic that he can still try and put that argument.

Love him or hate him, few would deny that Gordon Brown, as Chancellor and PM and his family have been invaded appallingly by the press. (Their baby son’s medical records? Whatever next?)

It appears that The ‘Royal Police’ have given away some of the mobile numbers of members of the Royal Family – believed to be for only £1000? A cheap trick.

Is one newspaper any more lilly white than another in its sourcing of material? How many terabytes of emails have been cleaned from hard-drives over the last week –with or without express direction from editors?

The banking crisis and MP’s expenses changed us. We believed that the bedrock of our society and pillars of the country could never behave like this, right? Now the Press and Police are under fire from House of Commons Select committees, there is about to be the most high profile Judicial Review in media history and (so far) nine are charged. More will follow as a result of the Review.

Seth Godin challenges our belief system in his book, Tribes.

People don’t believe what you tell them
They rarely believe what you show them.
They often believe what their friends tell them.
They always believe what they tell themselves
What leaders do: they give people stories they can tell themselves.
Stories about the future and about change.

So how will the Nation and our customers respond?
Many of us may just have to change the way we market our brand.

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Panorama – another cock-up – on direct mail

Posted on 5, Jul | Posted by Paul

Wow, what an outburst on Panorama last evening! (BBC1, 8.30, 4th July)

Quite clearly the BBC believes that Direct Mail is the scourge of the world. There was me thinking that the BBC used to be balanced and objective. Has it so seriously lost the Monday evening ratings that they have to produce such a partisan near-soap? (Perhaps they needed to sustain the momentum after Eastenders.)

Was presenter Tom Heap really on top of his game or was he just hell bent on venting his spleen on his personal view of direct ‘junk’ mail? Producer Andy Bell must have said, ‘Tom, m’boy, go out there, you hate direct mail. Kick arse and damn the consequences’.

The facts were badly presented; only Cornwall’s figures seemed to count in the programme. 700k pieces of ‘junk mail’ – over what periods and who counts them? They didn’t say. 3% of the overall rubbish is direct mail. (Not that bad, then.) It costs c. £119 per ton to recycle then it’s burned as fuel, they said.

On the other hand, DM drives £16billion in sales. £5.4 b is the total revenue from letters, £1.3b from advertising mail. The comment was made that without the latter, we wouldn’t have a sustainable postal service. All this was dismissed by the presenters.

The other really quirky bit of reporting came from the delivery of fast food offers, etc. They labelled this as junk mail, too. Hey, BBC, it may land on the same doormat but that’s called ‘door drops’. Hardly down to the Royal Mail.

The piece on ‘Scam Mail’ was presented as if the elderly are prey to scams at the design of the Royal Mail. You have already won £18,500 – sure, shameful exploitation of the elderly and vulnerable but the Police are on to it. Also, responses to scam mail can be habit forming, or ‘gambler’s fallacy’ as the resident psychiatrist called it. Let’s not forget that most competitions are quite legitimate. Clearly, Mr Bell thinks the Royal Mail should show some social responsibility.

The Royal Mail cannot open mail neither is it there to vet for authenticity or potential fraud, surely? One of the presenters put it that ‘the Royal Mail delivers coach loads of criminals to the elderly’. How can that comment be deemed objective?

The Direct Marketing Association taught me that if it’s relevant it’s not junk, if it’s junk, it’s not relevant. Simple. But should the Royal Mail make that call?

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Customer Case Study: double glazing company

Posted on 4, Jul | Posted by Paul

Double Glazing company, Hampshire – one of the honourable types. No heavy sales techniques -‘hold on, let me just see if I can improve on that price!’ and no need to throw out the salesman at 11pm.  Familiar?

Problem: This double glazing company recognised that there was virtually no traffic coming from their website at all. Website seemed that it had been written by an undertaker himself on Death Row. We were bored after 20 words.

Answer: We spoke to their customers who LOVED them. No pressure selling, great products and clean efficient workmanship. So, we showed them how to beef up the brand…how to use viral marketing, make the website newsy, authoritative and fun, written in person to person language not as if from a soap box.

Result? Hits don’t make leads, right?   The hit rate stayed much the same but the conversion rate into real enquiries trebled in 8 weeks. With a new search optimisation programme, we’re working on the hits rate now, too.

Marketing and sales are joined at the hip; don’t let any marketer tell you anything else!

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Marmite scandal

Posted on 25, Jun | Posted by Paul

Mr Paul Polman, CEO, Marmite
Uniliver UK Ltd
Springfield Drive
Leatherhead
KT22 7GR
25 June 2011

Dear Mr Polman
The Danes aren’t the only ones who are revolting. Can you please explain why the price of marmite has gone up to £4.98 at Asda today?

I’ve been weaned on Marmite, so have my children – but there’s going to be riots (or at least a singular and very targeted protest outside Asda or your HQ) very soon unless you stop these increases to your retailers. ‘Onward Marmite Soldiers’, as the song goes….

Anything over a fiver for a pot and (sorry), the dog, cat and maybe even the wife will have to go. Please explain this pricing dilemma. Such is the level of our dependency that it’s a matter of brewer’s yeast or brewer’s droop in this house, frankly.

You clearly don’t want people to contact you or understand what’s going on at Marmite…have you seen your website? One little visual. www.marmite.com So your marketing team come up with a one-page website and one strap line every three years. Do they convince you that they’re busy with DM, SM, etc. and still cannot build a decent website explaining your pricing policy? (I think you’re paying them too much.)

I notice in ES – 9 May 2011, You either love it or hate it, but at Battersea, Marmite is causing quite a stir amongst the dogs. Jars of the yeast extract, which has polarised the nation into lovers and haters, are polished off in no time by Battersea’s canine residents who have developed quite a taste for the spread. Today 100 of the famous yellow topped brown glass jars will set tails wagging in the kennels when they are delivered to London’s popular dog’s home.

Please explain why you’re going to the dogs as it’s causing quite a stir in Basingstoke, too. My tail is far from wagging.

Unless you take home a car boot full of marmite freebies every now and then, I bet your wife is livid, too. (I hope she won’t get recognised when out shopping or you’ll be hearing from her, I’m sure.)

At best, you’re at risk of serious customer defection to any another up-and-coming savoury that may be lurking in the bottom of a vat or tank somewhere.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Sampson

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